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Advice For Your Life, According to Spam

Spam. And I’m not talking about the mystery meat that comes in the iconic blue and yellow can. I’m talking about those unwanted and very annoying emails that come from unknown sources and at all hours of the day and night.

In the snail mail world, this would be the junk mail.

With the three-day weekend behind us, my office email was screaming for some relief. It only took a few seconds to understand that most of the emails were spam emails.

I had offers to get a prestigious university degree of my choice – never leaving my home. Awesome. I always wanted to wear my PJs to class while learning to become a lawyer, doctor, teacher and yes, even a rocket scientist. No joke. Rocket scientist was listed in the subject line.

I had another opportunity telling me I could get my very own free hover round chair, with no doctor checkup and have it sent to me right at home. I would never have to walk again. I’m only 33 years old and I’m willing and able to walk around, but I’ll keep it in mind.

Then there was the Nigerian prince that needs some help. Even a prince needs help from time to time. I just need to wire him $5,000 and in seven days I will get $5 million wired into my account. Seems like win win opportunity to me.

Not to mention that I could find my Mr. Right by enrolling in match.com, e-harmony. com, j-date.com and the other thousands of e-dating websites that clog up my email. Not to mention that I have stated to get senior citizens e-dating invites now.

Maybe the hover round chair people let them know that I’m single.

As I’m waiting for my senior citizen Mr. Right to email me, I could watch a pirated movie, or play blackjack at an online casino. I could even bet on the ponies and become a high roller.

I could also get my prescription drugs that I could get for as little as a dollar shipped to me in one day. Yes, even the famous little blue pill. I wouldn’t even need to show them proof of that prescription. I could also lose 10 pounds in five weeks with an e-diet.

In the spam world, everything is so easy. Look great … sure thing, take this, remove fat … take this and do that, and increase my income just by clicking on a box or link. The thing is, it’s not.

I learned two things Tuesday morning: One, that my spam filter needs to be increased; and two, that spam mail has the same fate as its cousin, the junk mail. It goes straight in the trash.

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